The Dark Triad: Recognizing Toxic Religious Leaders

Jesus was (and is) never abusive, coercive, manipulative, dishonest, or condoning of violence. Conversely, he was (and is) characterized by unconditional, self-sacrificial love. Jesus was (and is) accepting, kind, humble, nonjudgemental, forgiving, gracious, and honest.

Those of us who aim to walk in his way strive to be the same. When we mess up, we own it without excuses. We try to make amends. We forgive others who hurt us. We eschew coerciveness, manipulating, and violence. We seek to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile and meet hatred with love. We don’t use religion as a club. Our prayer is that we radiate with cruciform love.

Sadly, it is not uncommon to find religious leaders and religious institutions that act nothing like Jesus. Instead, they are in what psychologists call the dark triad. When they are cornered, they respond with DARVO.

The acronym DARVO was coined by Jennifer Freyd, Professor Emerit of Psychology, University of Oregon. DARVO stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It is a form of gaslighting used by abusers to excuse their behavior.

First, they deny having done anything wrong. Then, they attack the other person, and finally, they reverse the victim and the offender, often by accusing the victim of doing what they did.

DARVO is a tool in the toolbox of those in the Dark Triad.

In 2002, Delroy L. Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams, both at the University of British Colombia, described the dark triad. People in the dark triad display a combination of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. They not infrequently rise to the position of CEO, powerful politician, or revered religious leader.

Narcissists are grandiose, prideful, self-centered, and ego-centric. They surround themselves with sycophants and demand absolute loyalty.

Machiavellianism describes those who are manipulative, amoral, and quite willing to hurt others to gain what they want.

Psychopathy (or sociopathy) is characterized by a lack of empathy, the inability to feel sympathy, callousness, remorselessness, impulsivity, and antisocial behavior. Most, but not all, are men, most likely because of societal patriarchy.

Institutions like churches each have their own culture, just like people have their own personalities. Just as a person can be in the dark triad, so can faith communities. That is not to imply that everyone in the organization is a toxic narcissist, but that there is an underlying culture of grandiosity, manipulation, and callousness.

People, including religious leaders, and institutions, including churches, can be abusive.

Abuse takes many forms. Children are sexually assaulted by someone in the family circle. College women are date-raped. Women are sexually harassed at work, often by superiors misusing their positions of power. Employees are falsely accused and squeezed out of positions they’ve earned. Actors feel they need to trade sexual favors for roles.

Abusive institutions heap shame and guilt on those who step out of line. They threaten divine retribution for those who do not conform.

Some forms of abuse are obvious – rape, domestic violence. Others are quite subtle and hard to recognize. You feel used, manipulated, discounted. Religious, spiritual, or church abuse is particularly insidious because the leader presents as a representative of God, someone you admire, value and don’t question. The faith community can become your primary source of connectedness to the point where you would feel devastated to be cut off from it.

God can heal and change anyone, but people in the dark triad very rarely change because they see no need to do so. They see themselves as God’s chosen prophets. They have a Moses complex. If their behavior becomes public, they see themselves as victims. Everything is the other guy’s fault. They feel no remorse, no guilt, no shame, and thus, no need to repent.

If they appear to be showing regret, it is nearly always remorse over getting caught, not empathy for their victims. Sometimes, they eventually stop their abusive behavior, but only when they grow tired of the consequences. It’s still all about them.

Rather than face the pain they have caused others, they often employ DARVO. They deny they’ve done anything wrong, attack and accuse the victim, and flip the script to make the victim feel like they deserved or wanted whatever happened.

DARVO is played out daily in congressional hearings, press conferences, rantings on social media, and public statements from political grifters. That’s because there are politicians and titans of industry who lack empathy, blame victims, use people for their own gain, are very willing to cause pain and suffering to others, demand allegiance to themselves, and see themselves as above normal moral codes.

These people are dangerous. They murder, rape, manipulate, destroy careers, wreck families, and, if they are powerful enough, they tank economies and start wars.

They are also very charming. They can sweep you off your feet. Primrose Lane is the pathway to hell.

There are numerous theories to explain how some people come to display narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy – abused or neglected as children, some genetic malformation, control by some malevolent spiritual force. Whatever the cause, avoid becoming their victim.

Jesus taught us to discern the character of others by observing the fruit of their lives. St. Paul defined the fruit of the Spirit as self-sacrificial, other-oriented, cruciform love, which brings with it joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.

The actions of that charming charismatic person – do they result in people – especially the broken, weak, abused, sick, lonely, bereaved, mentally ill, incarcerated, and refugee-immigrant people whom Jesus called the least of his siblings – having their practical needs met and being filled with love, joy, and peace?

Is he truthful? Honest? Kind? Does he act like Jesus, extending grace and forgiveness, feeding the hungry, binding up the wounds of the broken?

If the answer is no, don’t give him your heart. Don’t give him your allegiance.

When confronted does he deny, attack, and blame the victim?

Does he display traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy?

Does that charming person have grandiose delusions? See himself as smarter or better than others? As God’s gift to humanity? Is he in the habit of manipulating, seeking revenge, threatening, or strong-arming to get his way?

If the answer is yes, don’t give him your heart. Don’t give him your allegiance.

Similarly with institutions.

Is that faith community warm, loving, forgiving, hospitable, accepting, nonjudgemental, and able to humbly admit it doesn’t have a corner on truth? Does it prioritize helping those on the margins?  Do people of all ethnicities, abilities, backgrounds, languages, and cultures feel welcome and at home? Is it filled with love? Great. Join in.

But, if it is ridged, dogmatic, condemning, judgmental, arrogant, self-righteous, demanding of unconditional loyalty, or promoting (even subtly) violence, xenophobia, or racism, get yourself out of there. You’re worth more than that.

God loves you. In God’s estimation, you have unsurpassable worth. You were created in God’s image and meant to experience divine unconditional grace, mercy and love forever.

There are faith communities where you can love and be loved. They are usually small and unpretentious. They are known for their simplicity, authenticity, and for being accepting. They are kind. They are Christlike.